All that Glitters is Gold

So here’s a golden story for you:

Once upon a time (around 500BC to 1600AD) there lived a man

Just an ordinary man.

No, wait, let’s say he was a man of importance, say a chieftain! So we’ll add some golden finery and a crown to show his elevated status.

Because of this status he was considered a divine being, whose feet could not touch the ground, so he had to be carried around everywhere on poles. He also got to eat foodstuffs that other people couldn’t eat, and wear items of decoration others couldn’t wear, like feathers

And he wore gold decorations. Lots and lots of gold decorations.

Actually, he was pretty much staggering under their weight, so it’s a jolly good thing, he didn’t have to do any walking!

And he also could assume postures and gestures that other people were not allowed to use. Like the one below. (Can’t find this in your yoga manual now can you!)

He made love to many beautiful wives, as was his prerogative as a chieftain. 

And he saw many weird and wonderful animals, such as this bird-fish.

Music was played for his pleasure on pipes shaped like humans 

and on golden whatnots that made a tingly sound and glittered nicely 

He took part in ceremonial events on barges with shamans. 

But, to tell the truth, though he was a mighty man and deity, shamans slightly freaked him out

This was partly because they had a tendency to go into trances and change into bird-men

or into bats (thus are the origins of batman revealed!). 

In fact priests and shamans  who identified with bats evoked the animal’s habits in their own lives: they lived in dark temples, worked at night and flew when in their trances.

All in all the man had a good life. But then, alas, he fell ill. A shaman was sent for to rhythmically stir palm leaves to cure him (a method still in use by various indigenous groups today).

But it just didn’t work. Not even the crushed coca leaves with lime that were given to him as medicine from his ceremonial golden coca container could cure him.

And, as feared, his next visitor was death.

And so, alas, he died

For his burial his face was covered by a golden mask

And was decked out in gold. Even his manhood had its own golden hoodie.

Other objects depicting everyday life and normal people were laid in his grave to keep him company in the afterlife. 

Such as clay penises 

Golden boobs

Even clay images of his old drinking mates fat Victor and shy Harry - what jolly fellows they were, 

And so the great chieftain was dead. But not forgotten.

All this and much more I learned today at the Museo del Oro - the Bogota gold museum, which is justifiably considered one of the finest museums in South America.